i bifurcated a lizard today.

Not on purpose. He ran in as I slammed the screen door behind me and then oh dear god that's a little tail sticking out. No pictures this time as apparently that grosses some of you out. But my blog will continue to mention Floridian wildlife until a) I get used to it or b) the little critters go the fuck away. In other words you'll be hearing about them for quite some time.

It feels like time for an update: some time ago I got past the mortal agony over living in Gainesville. The reprieve from the blistering heat helped. What also helped was taking on a part-time job in a cute cafe downtown. Turns out it was bringing me down to live in a bubble of grad students, and then to have too much free time to ruminate about living in a bubble.

Problem solved! Although it's unorthodox, it was the right thing for me. I get to leave the bubble - I'm making new friends, meeting new people and blowing off steam by being physically busy and mentally occupied with anything but academia. It's lifted my spirits, so I'm more energetic and motivated in school and life's better all around.

I'm actually much more involved academically than I was when I had more time, because I'm not too depressed to care. How surprisingly counterintuitive some solutions can be. I'm working on two data collections, analyzing data and writing for my Master's, and have pioneered a secondary data analysis to keep me busy this summer. I'm also shadowing a neurologist in a memory disorders clinic, which is FUN, and recruiting patients for a study. I've applied for a fellowship in aging for next year (here's hoping for a decent salary), and submitted my first conference abstract as a grad student, using a subpart of my thesis. I feel less and less like a stranger in a foreign land. More and more at home.

I've embraced hot, humid Southern life. I learned to cook collard greens. :) Wear mostly flip flops and thin, loose clothes, and don't mind sweating all the time. I've made guy friends nice enough to tell me my hair looks better wavy and air-dried (and we all love compliments from boys), so I've abandoned the dryer and stay cool longer. I walk and bike ride everywhere. The town is lame but it's always sunny and blue-skied, and there are so many trees.

I've made a friend who's a trainer too, who's helping me tone up for Kyle's wedding in May. He says he'll make me look good naked. (Ha! I ALREADY DO!) But maybe now I will look like a porn star. A porn star on steroids. Heck, I'll be happy just to walk down the beach without jiggle-legs. Although I'm hardly holding out for that.

I'm happy. I've made peace with a difficult commitment and I'm making it work. The people and places I long for - well, I'll always long for them. But I have a life where I am and I know how to like it. I'm not asking many questions about next year or the next, because I've learned I create a pressure with them that suffocates me. Letting go of those questions has let in all the things I've missed, which I was drowning without. It's let in the passing awareness of freedom and mystery which only appears when you're not searching so hard for answers.

Can I say, bike riding is the best thing for that? An unexpected gift Florida's given me which Chicago withheld with its populous streets. As a kid I took for granted how quiet and unfettered a bike ride can be. Slow enough that you see every thing you pass, fast enough for a breeze and a feeling a little bit like flying. Unlike driving where the thing moves you. You move yourself. And you're alone. And as long as you're not lost five miles from where you need to be in ten minutes (that, let me tell you, sucks), the world is so chill. :)