some thoughtful bitching (is a blog ever anything else?).

Never in my life can I remember so many ups and downs (mostly downs) as there have been the past several months. I'm trying to be happy where I am. Usually I'm pretty good at that. But happy seems to have turned into that flaky friend who swears up and down she'll be at your party and never shows. It's impossible to predict whether today I'll be energized and grateful to be alive (which happens often enough) or want to climb back into bed and sleep away as much of my life as I can. Mostly, it's just not like me to be so frequently down for so long. As I look up "Adjustment Disorder" in my DSM. We psychologists find the most pathetic ways to console ourselves.

I realize it's pretty normal. Many of us first-years are struggling to be content in our new home. One fifth-year told me she cried for the first two years (which um, incidentally, not happening with me. Life is both too short and too long to stay sad for years). I also realize, newly, that it's not about missing places or people. Yeah, I loved Chicago. But I also loved Leeds and I'll never go back to it. I love my family and friends, but I've made it through a fair chunk of my life without them being rightnexttome and if I have to (and I do), I can make it through this chunk without them too.

What I'm trying to say is you love lots of people and places and some of them stay part of your life but few stay physically in your life the whole time. And that's as it should be. What we do need is love where we are, in some form or another. Some loves happen entirely in solitude. Whatever it is, I don't have it yet. But what do you expect? Worthwhile things take time. (Although they don't always! Can't I have some NOW?)


ALSO:

This may seem like a ridiculous disclaimer, but I realize my complaint occurs entirely in luxury. So I'm lonely. Sad for me. But much of the world is suffering a whole lot more than emotional discomfort. There are people who don't have loving family or friends to bitch to about living in a town full of chain stores and strip malls. There are people who can't speak freely at all, let alone post whiny blogs about how much Florida sucks (but you do, Florida, you suck so much). There are people, lots of people, who are dying. For stupid reasons. Who don't get clean water and basic medical treatment which is so easily available. Who will never live long enough to experience the possibilities which most of us take for granted.

So, you know, boo hoo for me in adjusting to my brilliant opportunity for an advanced degree at a top tier institution where I'll be guaranteed a comfortable living, invigorating career, and the freedom to bitch about being lonely sometimes.